


A Nightmarish Paradise

by Lirian_MountBlack



Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, Unnus Anus, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Be warned this is just sadness in a nutshell, Feelings, First Upload, Hurt Ethan, M/M, One Shot, Sad, Sad Ethan Nestor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25654333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lirian_MountBlack/pseuds/Lirian_MountBlack
Summary: Ethan Nestor didn't realize he was in love until it was too late. Now he must deal with the pain that being in love entails.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	A Nightmarish Paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Lirian here, this is my first time ever publishing a piece of my own writing. I hope you guys like it. Let me know what you think.  
> I was really sad and sleep deprived when I wrote this.  
> -~-o-~-

Unus Annus, a simple idea that had become his personal nightmarish paradise. Spending so much time side by side with someone that had been so out of reach, being friends with his literal hero. Shit like that did not happen, did it? Some days Ethan found himself pinching his arm or his thighs just to make sure he was not dreaming. 

You see, Ethan's feelings for Mark had started brewing inside him before he even had the chance to stop them or to at least recognize them. He had read them as his typical hyper aware and over exited self projecting his admiration for the man. But time went on, and what once was a healthy admiration was now a painful pining that made his chest constrict around his swelling heart. 

Every time Mark set his gaze on him for a second too long, Ethan lost another bit of sanity. It was embarrassing really, although he did not even get to feel as such with the stuff they did for the videos; the embarrassment threshold had been lost long ago. But. To have to see himself swooning over Mark even after all the cutting and editing on the videos? how he lost his cool whenever the older man turned to him with a questioning look. He could not help but feel pity for himself.

Ethan knew he was screwed, there was a tug in his chest that was getting stronger by the day, harder to ignore, impossible to hide. 

“Ethan?” Amy spoke and brought him back to reality, he had been staring at his food for a little too long.

“You alright?” seconded Mark and Ethan felt the need to run full speed into a wall. Instead he nodded and stuffed his mouth with the last bite of his burrito.

“Just tired” he gave a little shrug. “I think I’m heading straight to bed today.” Ethan gestured a little with his hand. The other two hummed in agreement, the three of them exhausted after trying to film as much content as they could that day.

Sadly, sleep did not come easy to Ethan. Because his feelings for Mark had other complications that he could not stop thinking about. Mainly Amy. Specially Amy.

It was hard enough to come to terms with his not-so-little crush but having to entertain the idea of being in love with someone already taken was, for the lack of a better word: crushing.

He groaned and turned on the bed, tangling his legs on the bed sheets. Amy… 

Ethan loved Amy, such a good friend, always supportive, always there for them. 

Ethan hated Amy, too good a friend, always so… there.

He lay there for another minute or so, his mind bombarding him with images of Amy laughing. Amy running a hand down Marks hair. Amy simply resting a hand on Marks thigh, it did not help knowing that they were sleeping soundly next to one another in a room far away from him. Suddenly Ethan felt sick as if the contents in this stomach were finding their way back. Sitting up in the bed he realized he was crying. A sob wrecking his body, tearing his throat apart. It made him sad to envy a person who had done nothing to him but purely love a man.

He was sick, bitterly so. And the cure for his illness was there, so close to reach, too far to get. Ethan hated to essentially lie to Amy all the time, having to fake smiles, and whatnot. All he wanted was to be honest, but what else could he do? She is Mark’s girlfriend; she had been for the past four years and would still be for many more. And all Ethan could hope for was to maintain the level of friendship he had achieved with them both. Because Ethan wanted to be selfish, and he didn’t want to lose any of them.

The next morning Ethan felt lighter, crying does that to a person. But he was still as exhausted as before. Poor nights of sleep, the constant pondering of his emotional state, stressing over making content and endless editing were taking a toll on his body.

Mark had gone out to buy some stuff while Amy and Ethan prepared the set for the next video. Ethan hated being alone with Amy, often they ended on Mark related ramblings, what he did or did not. He had to bite his tongue multiple times to keep his wording in check. One cannot risk spilling out about your undying love for someone to their actual partner. Ethan cursed his feelings for putting him in such a situation.

Ethan wanted, needed, to yell at Amy. To beg her to stop talking about Mark so his mind could have a break, so his heart could stop swelling and for the butterflies to finally cease their fluttering. Because he was not so sure he could keep it in much longer.

Cursed be Amy, for being so considerate. Cursed be her constant nagging, because Ethan’s words flow without permission when she asks so gently what is going on. Cursed be Amy for having the one thing Ethan needed so badly. But above all, cursed be Ethan for letting himself fall in love. Cursed be Ethan for wanting to curse Amy, blessed be Amy for being an angel. 

Another day went by, another day of banter and one too many sex jokes. One more day of Mark wondering, “Why do you always change so much when the cameras are rolling?”. “If I could just tell you” Ethan thinks and blames it on anxiety and whatever nonsense he can pull off. 

But then, once he is finally alone in his bed, he lets his mind drift. 

‘I could just kiss you’ he imagines it. A moment of intimacy, it does not have to be an elaborate plan. He just needs to pull himself together and do it, go for it. Grab his face and do it, and maybe, just maybe Mark wants him too. Perhaps there is an ending in which Ethan gets to be with the man that stole his heart. 

Dreaming is free after all.

One day, he thinks. One day I’ll be able to pay mind to what I truly want, one day Ethan Nestor will have the courage to act upon his feelings without caring about Amy, or the subscribers or whomever might have a problem with him and his overpowering emotions towards Mark. 

The truth is, or he believes it to be that one day he will look at them for the last time. 

Because if he did, if he were selfish enough and made the move. If Ethan took the risk and spoke out loud about his feelings and what they were doing to him. He was almost sure, for some sadistic reason, that he’d be left alone. 

Ethan had managed to convince himself that Mark would be disgusted by him. He can almost hear the words in his mind, “Thought you could be more than the obsessive fan boy”. He always falls asleep after coming to the same conclusion every night. “He will hate me; he will turn around and leave me. He’ll ignore me even though I can’t live without him”. 

And Ethan curses again for his unrequested, unrequited love.


End file.
